Welcome to the house of fun.. Now you've come of age ;)

( Thing...  )

How pointless...

Sooo... here I am sitting on my arse with no heating cause the bloody thing aint working...!! Grrr Arrgh!!

Well no Iain tonight cause my baby boy got a job :) hehe more lollipops for meeeee!!

So Sazzie babes is coming over and she said she will buy me a chinese... I'm hopin to change her mind and make her buy me pakora Mwahahaha!

Not been up to much so this is really a pointless update but since I dont get online much I might as well put something up here.

!!!BORED!!!

( Movie Thing )

Hello there... Like the new layout? Course ya do! Well I'm not long up and am bored out of my tiny lil mind. See since I've left college Ive been struggling to amuse myself during the day :P Ive been out looking for jobs and that but I had to stay in today to let the dishwashy man come and check out the dishwasher... I'm not convinced its fixed tho but he was kinda cute so I'll let him away with it...

So yeah, I've left college in my third and final year.. woop for me. I really didnt wanna leave but I cant stand living in this house much longer. Sooo my plan is, get a fulltime job that pays enough for me to survive in the big bad world on my own, move out, be happy! Iain said he'll come with me if he gets a job... so thats a good thing.  Im so glad Iain doesnt read this, hed kill me if he knew I sat n blabbered on about him for ages :P

Anywhoo back on to the serious stuff. Yeah I hate living here, my mum is a serious pain in the ass and im sick of being the only person in this place that doesnt wanna live in their own filth.. I'm the only fucker that bothers to clean up after myself (and everyone else for that matter!) Newhoo I dont wanna depress y'all with sad tales of my self pity... that would be just plain silly now wouldnt it!

Im in a weird mixture of moods now. Im generally in a good mood but something keeps bringing me down, I know I'll just be told its none of my business etc... but I hate knowing someone I care about is in pain. I wont go too into it because Im not into posting about other people on my livejournal (Its all about ME :D Mwahahaha!)

I just think that if people want to hurt people they love they should just be honest and not try to put themselves in a better, more sympathetic light. Love is a fickle thing, it can be a blessing, or a curse.

Love can blind even the most strong headed people into thinkin that all is well and the shit they go through is worth it because theyre with the person they love... but what happens when it doesnt work out. Theyre still blinded.

I just hope that soon the light will dim and they can see past it into the reality of the situation. The people that were there all the time will still be standing there. Just because you couldnt quite see them, they were always there waiting to be a shoulder to cry on, or just arms to fall into.

I'm gonna shut up now cause im kinda confusing myself.

Sooo, what am I doing tonight?

Urm I'm gonna go get ready for one thing... got work at 4, then im gonna come home and make myself look a bit more presentable and head of to Claire Scotts.. Must borrow money of sister for taxi.. eeek!

Love ya!

Debz
xXx

Well I didnt get up to much today.. Woke up, Got my period (yay aint ya glad you read this?) went to the shop, came home, went to work, came home, phoned iain, made food, watched tv, came online, updated journal.

This could end up being a very short entry..

Urm, *racks brain for something interesting to say*

In total me, sazzie and nicola spent £114 in La Senza on naughty undypanties at the weekend. Needless to say I had an awesome weekend with Iain (A) but we wont go into that. Was the first time Ive seen Nicola in a while, we got on pretty well shes cool as fuck and is great fun to moan about guys to :P

What else did I do..? Urm Iain stayed on Satty night as usual, was great fun.

Was sposed to be in college today but didnt go in again. Pretty much decided I'm leaving. Sucks so much but its something I gotta do. I will prolly explain more in another entry but right now I cant be bothered :P

Well this was pointless and boring but it amused me for a few minutes so who gives a fuck.
Gonna go watch Raw... Austin and HHH are coming back so I'm chuffed. And of course the 2 on 3 handicap bra and panties match ;) prrrrrr!! hehe

Debz
xXx

Your Life as a Celebrity by Karen_Walker
username
reason for being famous	star of a reality showtalk show hostgame show hostactoractresspop starrock starrappermodelscreen writerdirectorproducercelebutanteheiressfashion designer
plastic surgery you've had done	nose jobbotoxchin implantboob jobliposuctioneye liftnew butt
your tabloid scandal	sex addiction
your stalker	ruthio
your best friend
your nemesis
the tabloids think you're dating
you're really dating
your secret lover
your bitter ex
how long you stay in the spotlight	you're a classic. you'll always be famous.
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Angelina Jolie as my secret lover?! HELL YEAH!! :D

Yes indeedy ladies and gentlemen... I'm back! And dont worry your pretty lil heads, this post aint gonna follow the last few I made waaaaay back in november :P This one should be a lot more cheery! Where to begin? So much to say, so little energy to type it :P

I think its safe to say that '04 was quite possibly the worst year of my life so far! Thats why when the bells went at new year, I made a promise to myself... '05 is gonna be my year! I'll start of with how i was feeling near the end of '04 and I promise i will try to make it not too depressing :P

I realized a little while before new year that I was heading into a place I really didn't wanna go. I was an emotional wreck and it was becoming harder and harder to keep it together, to keep a smile on when all i wanted was to curl up in a ball and hide away from the world. I had basically become what I can only describe as a slut. I was so desperate to feel wanted, to feel intimacy on any level that I was willing to sleep with anyone who wanted it, who for just a little while would make me feel special, make me feel sexy, make me feel wanted. Whenever the subject was brought up amoung my friends I would laugh it off as 'experimenting'. But inside I hated myself for allowing myself to be degraded in ways I cant stand to think about, let alone type onto a computer. It got to the point that I was having sex with someone I wont even name and I was just thinking, 'Please let this end... I dont want to do this anymore...' and afterwards I couldnt kid myself anymore, I felt dirty and loathed myself.
  Then along came Iain. I can safely type this because Iain dont read my livejournal! I'll explain the full Iain story just so it can make sense. I first fell for Iain in 1st year... and my feelings developed as I got to know him. I fell in love with him and went out with my friends every night for one reason - to see him. Then I got into a bit of a war with Sarah, who also fell in love with him. I knew all my friends had grown to hate me over this, as they all took her side (bitch!:P Nah u know I love u babe!) yet I still went out every night hoping to get closer to him. Eventually, Sarahs feelings for Iain faded and we became friends again. But my feelings never wavered. Even though I had other crushes and eventually boyfriends... Iain was always at the back of my head. Then one day... I cant remember what year we were in.. 3rd maybe... Alison came up to me and told me that her and Iain had told each other they had feelings for each other. And as my best friend she wanted to tell me before anything happened. I felt crushed. All those feelings I imagined he had for me night after night suddenly faltered and I realised that they were only that... imagined. But I did what any good best friend should do in this situation. I gave her my blessing and told her that I hoped they were very happy together. And they were. I told myself I had to block out all feelings for him. So at first I stopped going out, to avoid seeing them all over each other. Eventually I grew to deal with it and saw them as such a cute couple. But my feelings never went away. I thought I was over him, so I couldnt explain to myself why my stomach fluttered every time I found out he was coming out, or whenever I hugged him goodbye. I couldnt understand why I felt a pang of jealousy when I saw them together. When I left for college, I told everyone I would see them as much as I could. But I never stuck to it, old friendhsips faltered and I found myself falling into a new group of friends, one that still included the strongest friendship I have, Sazzie. Soon all thoughts of my old friendships were pushed to the back of my head and I made stronger bonds than I had ever felt. I still kept in contact with Alison occasionally. Then over a year and a half of Ali and Iains relationship later, there was trouble. They broke up, then a fe days later got back together. At this point Ali and myself had become closer again. And she confided in me that she wanted to break up with Iain again. Here came my moral dilemma... I had convinced myself that I felt nothing for Iain, so I couldnt understand why I wanted to tell Alison to break up with him. Eventually I got my head straight and told her that she had to do what her heart told her. And she did. They broke up again. And I comforted her when she cried, hugged her when she thought about him. Told her I loved her and spent night after night with her. Then, we grew apart again. Iain came to Lindz's party one night and i just spent all night looking at him and thinking about how I used to feel. But I never voiced my thoughts to anyone. Then along came Halloween, Islas Party. When I found out Iain was coming I was overjoyed. I just explained it away to myself as me missing him coz I hadn't seen him in ages. How wrong was I? I got blitzed and ended up cuddling into him... and leaning into him... and pressing my lips against his.... and god! Imagine how I felt when I felt him respond?! I was ecstatic for the rest of the night... which I wont go into details about:P But the next morning I felt strange vibes from him and I knew things weren't peachy... It had been a while since Ali n Iain broke up so I didnt pounce straight away, incase ur wondering:P but I still shouldnt have done it. And just so you know, I did feel very ashamed of what I had done. But I was acting on almost 6 years of built up feelings for him, 6 years of wanting him but never having the chance... Anyway.. Alison found out. Wasn't like I expected her not to. She blocked me on messenger, called me a slapper behind my back ( and who knows what else!) and I had officially ruined any chance of Iain getting back with her... which I know he prolly hated me for, you never really get over your first love.. and I just fucked it up for him... royally!
  This trend of getting wasted, falling on Iain, getting strange vibes from him in the morning continued for a while... until I asked him about it... and he said he was too fucked up. Then it started happening when we were sober, and more often. Then one day we were at Iains watching football (*yawn*) when sazzie took my upstairs and said that when she had been going thru iains phone she read his texts... and there were ones from Alison saying that he had told her that everything that had happened between me and him was a mistake, and he regretted it.... cue my heart explosion! I spent the rest of the day, and many after that, just sitting there.. then randomly crying and trying not to let anyone see me (gotta invest in waterproof mascara!) Until I decided that I wasnt going to let this stop me... So I just pretended I didnt know anything and things went back to normal... well normal for me n him anyway :P and it has been like that ever since. Basically when we are together we are like a couple.. but we aint officially. I thought we were workin towards it but Lindz was talking to Iain one night, and he told Lindz... who told Saz... who told me (girls, huh?) that he didnt want a relationship with me... and then I never saw him for 2 weeks... I really feel like he was avoiding me all that time. Then 2 days ago, we all went down to his and had a great time.. and then I was at his last night (Sunday) and had an even better time :P so things are back to normal (if you can call it normal) at the moment. And I guess I just gotta give the boy some time :P Ive waited 6 years... I think I can wait a lil longer :P

  My goodness... this post is getting long! Well thats the depressing stuff pretty much all outta the way. Now on to the cheerier stuff.. 2005 has been a really good year for me so far. I have an amazing group of friends who are all so fucking amazing I cant even put it into words. I love every single one of you... I know I can be a pissy bitch sometimes... but however I act towards you, always know that I do love you all with my whole heart. I just get pissed off easily :P My college class is filled with some of the best friends i have as well... and I love every single one of them. For reasons I wont disclose, recently the whole class has become a much tighter group and have all been so supportive of each other. And we have just started work on our end of the year production.... its gonna be soooo amazing!! Another amazing thing about 2005... I got back in contact with my dad. I dont give a fuck what any of my family say... I cant be without him.. and I'm not letting him go this time!! There are so many other reasons that I really cant be bothered typing at the moment coz im shattered!! But rest assured... '05 is my year and Im gonna live every minute of it, knowing that wether its bad or good... the people in my life will share it with me, and pull me through it!

I love every single one of you fuckers!!

Debz
xXx

PS - I dread to think about how many typo's ive made in this :P

Aye right :'( I'm terrified of drowning... why would I wanna kill myself that way?! Imma have to try 39 times?!?! :'(:'(

Hey... like the new look? I got bored with the other one! I'm in a very weird mood at the moment so please excuse any weirdness in this post. I have a feeling it might be a little long, as I have a few things on my mind. I don't know whats been wrong with me lately but I've been feeling really down, and being pissed off at my friends for stupid reasons, sometimes for no reason! I've been thinking alot as well, quite dangerous for me! I go through days when I feel like complete shit and can't stop thinking about everything thats fucked in my life, then I go through days where everything seems peachy and I'm all giggly and happy. I can deal with both of those days, but today has been a mix of both and it's making me feel very weird. I don't mean I was happy half the day then sad for the rest of the day... I mean I've been feeling a very strange mixture of fucked/thoughtful all day long. So I think I'll start on my venting of my weirdness...

First things first... I have begun to notice something that disturbs me greatly... I am a shit person. Don't think I'm sayin this as a ego stroking thing... I mean every word I am about to say. I'm selfish, a bitch, I constantly moan and expect everyone to listen and give me sympathy, I generally treat people like shit... friends and family included! I expect everything to go my way and if it doesn't I'll feel sorry for myself! You get the point right? I'm not gonna sit here and list all my bad qualities! I just can't believe I can act like this and have the amazing friends I do... I don't deserve a single one of them... and I can't believe it's taken me this long to notice how much of a bitch I am... I seriously don't know how I've managed to survive acting the way I do... I'm such a fucking moron...

So yeah... that's been running through my head alot...

Then theres my friends... Why don't I see them anymore? I'm always saying I'm just too tired after work or I don't have time... but is that really the reason? I honestly don't know. I feel like I've been drifting further and further away from them and it's getting to the point where I don't think I can go back. I love them all with all my heart... theyre the most amazing people alive and I can't believe they actually want to be with me... but is that the problem? All the time I've been drifting away from them I've found myself doubting theyre honest feelings for me. Some nights when I went out I felt like I wasn't wanted there... because it had been so long since I had been out. That made it harder to go out again... and the fact that Scott openly admitted to siding with Sarah over our fight a little while ago... that really hurt me and it still does... ok, he has feelings for her and theyre going out now (they weren't at the time) but I still find it really hurtful that he would choose her over me.... friends are supposed to support each other equally, right? And the fact that the argument had nothing to do with him whatsoever adds to how much it hurts. He jumped into a fight with me and her, telling me he wanted to sort it out and wasn't taking sides... then says to Saz that he was taking her side... I might sound really pathetic here but it really fucking hurts... I thought we were really close, he was my big brother... but when it came down to it... he has shown me that I don't mean what I thought I did to him... I dunno... I don't think he's really bothered about me not coming out anymore... I miss the days when it was me, saz, alan and scott... every night and I was as close to them as ever... I feel like shit for letting that slip away.

And then theres college... it's so different from last year. Last year I started off really quiet and I slowly came out of my shell... sometimes I wish I hadn't... but thats going back to the me=shit... This year scares me... I feel so talentless compared to everyone in my class... theyre so amazing... and most of them are so experienced.... and here I am a lil amateur wishing I could just sink into the wall and hide... I get so nervous about performing in front of them because I know theyre prolly all wonderin how I managed to get past NC. I don't know what I'm going to do... I feel like such a twat sometimes...

My lord this is getting long... and theres still more to come...

Of course, theres the thing I'm not supposed to talk about!! FUCK IT! Yes, I'm going to talk about my dad. Who I was quite happy to see regularly up until a few months ago. Then I'm just expected to cut off all contact from him and be happy about it?! Yeah, ok I understand why I can't see him anymore but fucking hell... hes still my dad and always will be... I still love him and I miss him so fucking much its unbelievable... And nobody seems to think I shud!! Yeah, what he done was wrong... but it was years ago!! He's still my dad and I love him so much... and the thing that pisses me off the most? I recall a conversation between me, my mum, my sister and her husband a few months ago... heres a rough idea of how it went...

Mum - Do you want to go to a counciller or something? It will help if you talk about it
Me - I dunno *looks at Cat* what do you think?
Cat (sister) - Yeah I think its a good idea... we can do it together
David (husband) - I can get some numbers from my work

Great... I'm going to get some help... I'm going to finally get to sit and talk about this whole thing with people who can help... after keeping it quie my whole fucking life... and what happens? FUCK ALL!!! Nobody has said fuck all about it.... yeah lets just pretend life is fucking peachy... well its fucking not!! I want to talk about it... to anyone!! But nobody wants to fucking hear it because nobody wants to have to deal with it...  need to fucking find a way to deal with it!!!! alone! And I'm supposed to be alright? I'm supposed to be happy...?! Not a day goes by when I don't think about this... and it hurts... but nobody wants to know!

This is so not how I wanted this entry to be... its turned into one big long moan... but I need to get these things out or I'm gonna explode... or do something really stupid

Today I was sitting in college... and I started thinking about the one single person that makes my life totally worthwhile.... the one person that knows exactly how to cheer me up... the one person that knows me inside and out... The one person that knows exactly how my mind works.... take a guess? The most important and special person in my entire life... Sarah. She is everything that I need to survive. She has seen me at my worst moments in life... she has seen the person I really am... and she still says she loves me. I adore her with everything I have... she is more important to me than any friends or family... she is the only person that gives me hope when everything seems pointless (even tho she was wrong! :P) I'm sittin here close to breaking down into tears because of how I've treated her. I'm telling you this right now from the bottom of my heart... there is no one in this world like my baby... the world doesn't even deserve her... Everything about her is perfect... she deserves everything in life and I would willingly give up my everything to make her happy. She's made me so happy... and I've done only shit things to her. She is my best friend and I havn't seen her in ages. Everytime she asks me to go out I always refuse... she is the most important thing in my life... and I push her away. What the fuck is wrong with me? I have a perfect angel, and I risk losing her because my minds so fucked I can't even appreciate everything that she is... Even as I sit here thinking about how much I want to see her... I still don't see me going out as a likely thing... I don't deserve her as a friend... yet she still stays... I love her so much and it hurts knowing that I can't return everything she has given me....

What the fuck have I turned into? My whole life has changed and I was too blind to notice... I've changed into the worst possible person I could be... I don't deserve the things I have... especially not pity... there are so many honest and good people in the world that suffer far worse than me... and here I am... a complete bitch with so many great things in my life.. yet I still demand sympathy for the shit things...

So... where the fuck do I go from here? I've just realised that my life is nothing like what I thought it was... realised that to be happy I need to change everything I am... how the fuck do I keep acting happy knowing that? Knowing that I hate everything I've become... and not knowing if that will ever change....

Something isn't right
I can feel it again feel it again
This isn't the first time
That you left me waiting
Sad excuses and false hopes high
I saw this coming still I don't know why
I let you in

I knew it all along
You're so predictable
I knew something would go wrong (something's always wrong)
So you don't have to call
Or say anything at all
So predictable (so predictable)

So take your empty words your broken promises
And all the time you stole cause I am done with this
I can give it away give it away
I'm doin everything I should've
And now I'm makin a change
I'm living the day
I'm giving back what you gave me
I don't need anything

I knew it all along
You're so predictable
I knew something would go wrong (something's always wrong)
So you don't have to call
Or say anything at all
So predictable (so predictable)

Everywhere I go
Everyone I meet
Every time I try to fall in love
They all want to know why I'm so broken
Why am I so cold
Why I'm so hard inside.
Why am I scared
What am I afraid of
I don't even know
This story's never had an end
I've been waiting
I've been searching
I've been hoping
I've been dreaming you would come back
But I know the ending of this story
You're never coming back
Never..never..never..never.....[echo].....

I knew it all along
You're so predictable
I knew something would go wrong (something's always wrong)
So you don't have to call
Or say anything at all
So predictable (so predictable)

Everywhere I go for the rest of my life (so predictable)
Everyone that I love
Everyone I care about
They're all gonna wanna know what's wrong with me (so predictable)
And I know what it is
I'm ending this right now..


my version that I d/led misses out a big chunk of the lyrics... must be the single version.... now I wanna hear the full album version!! Ah wellies!